


what's in a name

by thatlesbianxoxo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Memories, Names, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatlesbianxoxo/pseuds/thatlesbianxoxo
Summary: Bastila fears them, even if she says she doesn't. Neera can feel it. Bastila fears what they might awaken, that maybe Darth Revan lies dormant within those lost memories, waiting for the chance to dig herself out of the grave she's been buried in.
Relationships: Female Revan/Bastila Shan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	what's in a name

_ My name is- _

_ My  _ name _ is- _

If she reaches, if she just pushes through the fog she can grab it, pull it close to herself. She wants to paste it over the names she knows- Revan, Neera, both ill-fitting. They work, of course, but as time goes on she feels this yawning emptiness inside of her when she thinks of certain aspects of her past, those that haven't yet come within her reach. 

Her childhood, her apprenticeship, her life as a padawan, a Knight and a General. Her life as Darth Revan, even, lies just beyond her fingertips every time she reaches out into the dark. 

Bastila helps, her calming presence a lifeline she can fall back on when the darkness seems too deep, the memories too powerful. They sit on the floor, cross-legged, eyes closed and together they strip away the new memories, the lies put in place by the Jedi Council, and dig up the old, even the ones deemed  _ dangerous _ .

Bastila fears them, even if she says she doesn't. Neera can feel it. Bastila fears what they might awaken, that maybe Darth Revan lies dormant within those lost memories, waiting for the chance to dig herself out of the grave she's been buried in. 

Neera reassures her that Darth Revan is dead. No matter what memories they recover, she will remain dead. 

"It will have to do." Bastila says, but Neera knows that the discussion isn't over, that her fears haven't been abated. 

So, together they sit on the floor of the Ebon Hawk, legs crossed, hands on their knees, forefinger and thumb pressed together. 

They listen to the whirring of the ship, the quiet beeps of various instruments. 

"I can feel it." Neera whispers, the Force reaching out like a hand into the darkness, fluttering over the surface of a memory. It feels gentle, accompanied by the familiar smell of grass and incense, "Can you?"

Bastila makes an affirming noise as Neera reaches deeper, deeper, until she feels herself pitch forward and into the sunlight.

_ She breathes in, the breeze carrying the sweet scent of incense from the nearby Temple. _

_ She can feel a presence beside her, familiar and calming, and opens one eye to see a boy, hair black as night and cropped short, his padawan braid decorated with beads and hanging down to his shoulders.  _

_ "I know you're looking at me." He says, opens his eyes with a sigh, "I know Master Kreia wants us to meditate, but it's really difficult right now." _

_ "Because of tomorrow?" She asks him, can feel her own excitement bubbling up inside of her, though his face remains calm. _

_ "Because of tomorrow." He confirms, and she sighs, lies down in the grass and watches as a brith glides slowly through the air above them. _

_ "I can't believe it's really happening." She whispers, "We're really going to be getting our lightsabers tomorrow." _

_ "We're not  _ getting  _ them, remember? Master Vandar said we have to make them." He reminds her, and she rolls her eyes, turns over on her side to look up at him. His eyes are closed again, fruitlessly trying to meditate despite the excitement she can feel radiating off of him, "Stop looking at me." _

_ "Fine. Just admit you're excited." She demands. He opens his eyes, and grins. _

The memory slides into the next, though Neera strains to stay grounded, to pull the memory from the dark with purpose rather than falling into the waters. She fears she might drown.

This one feels… harder, tougher somehow. She hesitates, but as she makes up her mind to turn away it reaches out, hands wrapping in her clothes, grabbing her arms and yanking her in. She falls, screaming.

_ She's still replaying the events of the last two hours in her head.  _

_ Mandalore the Ultimate, bleeding to death on the bridge of his ship. His blood, splattering the front of her robes as he struggles to speak, to warn her of the darkness coming from the Unknown Regions.  _

_ She'd let him speak, sighed in disappointment when his last breath hitched out of him. The idea of some Sith menace being behind the war disturbed her, but she didn't have time to worry about it. _

_ The war was not over. _

_ "Commander Revan?" A voice speaks through the communicator in her ear, familiar, "What are your orders?" _

_ She is standing on the bridge of her own ship, now, watching the battle above Malachor V. The Mandalorians were not known for giving up easily, and she could only see one way forward.  _

_ "Send out the order, Surik." She says. She wants to look away, wants to turn her eyes from the destruction that is to come, but she  _ can't. _ Instead, she plants her feet, grits her teeth behind the mask and watches. _

_ She watches as the weapon is activated, the Mass Shadow Generator. She watches as huge swaths of both fleets are drawn in, pulled into the planet so aggressively the crust itself splinters. She feels them now, thousands of lives snuffed out in a matter of minutes- Jedi, Republic, and Mandalorian. She wants to crumple to the ground, but she locks her knees and stays standing.  _

_ Watching. _

And then she's thrown out of the murky depths with a gasp, barely enough time to catch her breath before she's pulled in again. She hears someone yelling, muffled as though she were under water. That's what it feels like, as if someone were pushing her head under the waves over and over again.

_ "Rise, Darth Revan, Darth Malak. I welcome you to the Sith Empire." _

_ "Look at this place, Malak! We don't need Vitiate, we can create our  _ own  _ army with the power here."  _

_ "We assassinate their leaders, leave the Republic weak and take our place as their rightful leaders." _

_ "You think me soft, Malak? Then raise your lightsaber, and I will show you how soft I am." _

_ "Take him to the infirmary. Make sure he lives, your life depends on it." _

_ "Lay down your weapons, Revan! Wait, is that-" _

_ "Revan." She looks up at Malak, at her oldest friend. His prosthetic shines in the artificial light of her flagship, and her gut wrenches at the sight. _

_ "Call me by my name." She whispers, removes the Mandalorian mask with a sigh, "Please." _

_ "Revan, I don't-" _

_ "My  _ name,  _ Malak." She insists, and he nods. His mouth moves, but she does not hear the words as she is pulled back and out of the memory  _

Neera emerges from the dark, stormy waters with a scream. Bastila's face is above her own, warm, soft hands on either side of her face. 

"You're alright, Neera, you're on the Ebon Hawk." 

"The Hawk?"

"That's right."

"It all came to me so fast. Did you feel it, Bastila?"

"I did." 

Bastila helps her up, gentle hands on her forearms, pulling her to her feet. She stumbles into the other woman's arms, doesn't step away.

"I think it's gone, Bastila."

Neera whispers as Bastila wraps her arms around her shoulders, pulls her in closer.

"What is?"

"The name."

"We can find it. I'm sure the Council knows it."

"But do I want to be her again?"

"What do you mean?"

Together, they sit on the floor again, backs up against the wall of the Hawk. Neera pulls one leg up to her chest, stares at a light blinking on the nearby console.

"The woman I was, before Revan. Her belief in the Light Side, it wavered. She let herself be drawn into the darkness." She looks at Bastila, "I don't want to lose who I am now. I don't want to lose  _ you _ ."

Bastila smiles softly, scooches a little closer and rests her head on Neera's shoulder.

"You won't lose her, I promise you." She whispers.

"And you?"

"You won't lose me, either."

So, they sit. Quiet, as the old memories fade into the back of her mind once again, and peace settles over her.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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